Answering the call to motherhood...eventually.

So, for what seems like the past million years I have been labouring over God's 'call' for me. What does the Lord want me to do on this Earth? He has given me two beautiful children (both completely unplanned and from the Lord!) as if that wasn't a big enough hint to me!

I sat for long periods of time scribbling in my journal 'Lord, what can I do for you?', I've completed a distance learning degree, I've had and left many jobs in search for something to do. A way to introduce myself at parties and something to write in the occupation section of forms. 'Hi I'm Keeley, I'm a bartender, Learning Support Assistant, English Literature student' anything but 'just a Mum'.

I have discussed this with some of my Mum friends and they all say the same thing, it seems women don't feel comfortable to admit that they are 'just a Mum', it seems almost embarrassing to say 'I don't have a career because I am fully invested in my children, their education, their diet, their well-being and their lives'.

When did being a full-time Mum become being 'just a Mum'?

A very cute study buddy.

Now, I am not lambasting working Mums or attempting to push traditional gender roles, what I am commenting on is my previous burning desire to do anything else than Mother, to be the woman that has it all because I have been told on numerous occasions that that is what I am entitled to. Ever since a became a Mother I have been looking for a way out of it; I had to leave university to have my first child and since she was born I was looking for a way to get out of 'motherhood' I thought to myself 'OK it's four years until they go to school, so I can finish my degree and then get a full time job.' Then my second child came along (just as my eldest was getting ready for school) and I found myself thinking the same thing 'oh well, he can go to nursery and I can be a real person again.' Our society does not support stay-at-home Mums, much like it doesn't really support working Mums either. It's a you're damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario and as I take the next step in my life and become an ex-pat, homeschooler I am left to ponder my previous attitude and how they have damaged my relationship with my daughter that I am now working to repair.

My attitude left both me and her intensely frustrated with each other, I just wanted her to be quiet so I could think about my next essay or some career pipe-dream and all she wanted was for me to play with her and stop worrying about the fact that she just messed up my neatly lined up textbooks for the fiftieth time that day. I am proud of my academic achievement but I worry it might have come out of a bad place, a desire to be free from a situation some women would kill for. I think we both felt trapped in that situation, tired and gasping for someone (meaning me) to wake up and see just how fortunate they were. So now I am attempting to remedy it now, spending a lot more one on one Mummy time with her and trying to calm down my parenting style a bit. Less shouting, more patience!

By releasing myself from the societal expectation that I should be a mother and...I have found a new lease of life with my children. I call it my 'Remamaissance' (my husband thinks that's a stretch but I'm going with it!), I am slowly becoming the Mother I always deep down was called to be, I am making more effort to parent in an ethical and eco-conscious way. I am cooking more healthy and 'delicious' food and forcing everyone to eat together around the table, though I think my daughter might prefer it if I went back to frozen pizzas in front of the TV! I have started to do Bible studies with my eldest and I've even started ironing! (Every so often, baby steps).

I still mess up, I still yell at my kids from time to time, we had store-bought dinner tonight and I still can't function in the morning until I've had coffee and I still haven't started my 'post-baby workout' and I'll probably never get to that one!

My faith has helped me to organise my thoughts on this, I became a Christian when my daughter was about to turn 2 and how I wish I had accepted the Lord before I had children! Through study of the Bible I have some seriously awesome new mothering role models. A lot of wonderful women who are revered and celebrated for being Mothers, strong and formidable women from the Old Testament that raised a nation and one key faithful, brave and incredible girl from the New Testament who raised a Saviour.

My two favourite role models are Hagar (Genesis 16) and, of course, Mary of Nazareth (I'm sure you know where to find her!).

Eye-rolling is mandatory when raising children.

Hagar is one of my favourite women of the Bible. She is so faithful and not afraid to call for the Lord when she is in need. She had one job, given to her by God, 'Lift up the boy and hold him fast with your hand, for I will make him into a great nation.' (Genesis 21:18) She was to be a Mother, despite her terrible circumstances and tragic past she was to look forward and raise her son because only through her and her son can God raise a nation! This made me realise that though we may not be in the business of nation building, God has plans for my children and his plan for me is to raise them with knowledge of Him so that they will flourish and fulfil God's plans for them. When you think about it like that, how can you say no?!

The Mother, always in the background.

Mary of Nazareth is THE Mother. I relate quite a lot to her as I unexpectedly fell pregnant with my first child at the age of 19, not quite as young as Mary but by today's standards I was quite a young Mum. The fear that she feels and expresses felt very familiar to me. But she was chosen by the Lord to be a Mother. Her soul call in life, as with Hagar, was to be a Mother. The Mother of God.

My favourite 'mother moment' involving Mary is that wonderful section in John 2, the motherly pride she has for her son shines through in this passage. She has raised him from an infant and she knows what He is capable of and she's itching to tell the world! Is there a better example of motherly love in Scripture than that? I can just imagine her elbowing Jesus, chivvying Him and encouraging Him just as a Mother does at a family party when she's been listening to her daughter's voice in secret and knows how sweet it sounds! She wants to share it with pride to everyone!

She is such an encouragement to me because even though motherhood was thrust upon her in such strange circumstances and with such high stakes she embraces her role and takes pride in her son, her baby.

So, I am trying to pour my all into this Mothering thing as I feel it is what I was called by our Lord to do and I am doing it unapologetically. I'm Keeley, the Mother, the imperfect Mother and I'm OK with that.